What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 25.06.2025 03:15
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She loved him until the end.
I was very sick at this time too.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So whats the point in blame.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Is it just me, or do we all hate Sasuke from Naruto?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Would this be the day?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Do you wear tights for warmth or to make your legs look better?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And i lived it daily.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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Put me off passion for life!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
When she asked me how she looked .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Comes on , in middle age.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She found it foreign!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I write beautiful poetry .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was seconnd youngest,
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
This is soul school!.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But, we were locked up after school.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
It was going to be , some day.
Ive learnt so much.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My family never makes their pension either.
I was 9 years of age.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I think the readers, may guess!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So, i spoilt her more .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We all went to grammer schools
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im still living with it.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
What did i know ?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I could never make a relationship work though!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She wouldn,t have been !
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He knew the spot.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My life is so biszare .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But it wasn’t much.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I have no regrets .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I waited trembling.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I don,t even have a pension.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was scared of men, in general
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One cannot live in the past .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She married twice! .
All the time i was locked up.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She was in good health!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He resisted the act ,that day.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Especially a lifetime of it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I will be 64.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We were not on the streets..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Who then, do I blame.?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I said to her